As we've established, I have absolutely no idea who I am, past the usual, "wife", "mother", "resident of earth" stuff, I draw a blank. So I'm starting a list.
One day at a time, I'm writing down things that I know to be true about me or those which I have tested and they've proved themselves to be true.
For instance, yesterday's truth discovery was that I like coffee. I actually just enjoy the taste of it, probably even more than tea. Nobody else is telling me to drink coffee, and in fact, most of the time I drink tea as I'm making it for my husband anyway. I was averse to coffee during each pregnancy and then breastfeeding meant I didn't have it often. But I like coffee. I've always liked coffee. But now I know that I like it, for myself.
Today's was that I like Yellowcard. Ocean Avenue is my favourite album of all time (some days I will deny this and claim it's an Evanescence album, just FYI), and not because anyone else is suggesting it to me or because it's the socially acceptable thing to like. I actually only know of two or three other people who like Yellowcard at all. But I love them and that one album is the best album in my world.
The reason it is so important to establish these truths is because, if you're anything like me, its so easy to be led by another person's opinion or suggestion. Knowing our true selves is difficult because we can be changed, moulded, and directed so much that we lose all track of who we are and where we've come from.
Your truths have to be organic. They have to be facts that you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, have come from only you.
As an example, I love ready salted flavour crisps. But when I follow that right back as far as I can go, I have a memory of home brand value crisps from a budget supermarket multipack. The ready salted ones actually tasted the most like the flavour they were purported to be, but the real reason they were my favourites was because nobody else favoured them and so there were always several packs left at the bottom and I just dealt with it.
It remains a truth that I enjoy ready salted crisps, but it's not an organic truth about who I am and my own likes/dislikes. It came from necessity and a desire to make other people happy by letting them have the flavour they preferred. I need to do some further flavour research before I'm ready to commit it to The List!
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