A Past Life Regression

 I'm testing out a new theory...

I think my therapist was right when she suggested that a lot of my trauma comes from my early childhood experiences, and we'll get to that, but I believe that the majority comes from the time I spent in an abusive relationship between ages 15-20. (You can read a little bit about that here)

These years were so crucial in my adolescent development. "Adolescence is a particularly dynamic period of brain development, second only to infancy in the extent and significance of the neural changes that occur." and due to those changes, and what is known as " developmental plasticity" there is a higher risk of vulnerability and malleability (see article here for more information.)

The five years I spent in this relationship, as well as the years closely following my leaving, should have been a precious period in my life where I made friends and learned how to socialise and navigate grown-up relationships. Where I discovered who I am, apart from my family, and where I started to form my own opinions about the world around me. I should have felt safe to explore and experiment and find myself.

Instead, I was stunted and had my beautiful wings clipped just as they had started to grow. As a result, I have absolutely no idea who I am, and I struggle with social things like making friends and maintaining relationships. 

So now, eighteen years later, I'm going back. I've identified the starting point of my transition as the beginning of my relationship with Andrew so I'm starting there. Who was I before then? What did I enjoy? Who did I enjoy spending time with? What did I like to eat, drink, listen to, read, wear?

As C.S. Lewis wrote in his 1942 novel, The Screwtape Letters, "The deepest likings and impulses of any man are the raw material, the starting point". So if you see me dancing around my kitchen to Yellowcard or NOFX, or scribbling away furiously with Evanescence belting out in the background, just go about your business, because I'm working on a theory!

Still from Drop Dead Fred, 1991
(Polygram Working Title Films)

There's every chance that I'd have changed anyway in these past eighteen years, but it's a starting point. 

It sounds silly, but there's a scene in the film, Drop Dead Fred, where Elizabeth goes into her subconscious and sees herself as a child, bound to her bed by her controlling mother. She unties her, saying, "We don't have to be afraid anymore", and they hold each other for a moment before the child Elizabeth disappears and grown-up Elizabeth is sitting there alone, obviously in a state of daydreaming. 

This scene has always resonated with me and I so wish that I could do this. That I could go and find myself as a young child, and promise her that things will be okay, that I'm here, and that we can get through anything together.

In order to find out who I was back then, I need to go there. Back to where life was simpler. Back to where I was safe (strangely, even after a history as traumatic as mine, I felt safe). I desperately hope that she's there and we can start healing together.